Tag: rants

The Fish that Flew Out of The Tank

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Have you ever felt like a lone fish in a huge fish tank, where all your little fish friends have died and their skeletons float slightly above the rocks every time you try to bring them back to life?

You watch the world outside, the light patterns refracting in every surface that is between you and the infinite space of air. You are just a fish, but you know all too well that lights cause illusions and the world is never as it seems.

Sometimes you want to break out of the tank, but the thick glasses separating you from your freedom seem to stretch for miles, that one tiny crack you made months ago by hitting your head first into the glass seems to dissolve if you glance at it from a side angle.

You are alone. You and your dead fish bones. There used to be dreams too. But dreams come from your imaginations, and your imaginations are choosing to float away, one air bubble at a time.

Life outside the fish tank looks beautiful. You can see rainbows and unicorns, and oh look there’s the green field and the sun shining on those pretty pink pansies. You cannot wait to get out. The tiny crack you made months ago now suddenly seems larger. I have to get out. I have to touch the rainbow. One push, two push, a thousand pushes. I shall not give up until I smell those pansies. The crack finally gives in.

You flow outside the fish tank, the amount of water that falls on top of you is enough to make your own little pool, until it starts seeping and soaking down the thick carpet below and you look around to see little wet rainbow pieces and torn pansy pieces making paper islands in the vanishing pool. The air doesn’t seem so fresh anymore, and you flop around hoping that someone will pick you up and lay you down among your fish bones, for you realize that in pursuit of something wild and beautiful, you forgot that you were just a tiny little fish who didn’t know how to breathe out of water.

My mind is on a roller coaster !

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I use Facebook, retweet tweets, laugh at crazy Buzzfeed posts. I fill the void by surrounding myself with people filling their void. I have a large social media following, my poetry blog is a hit, yet I cannot talk to a person without forgetting their name.

You, my lover are the only piece of color I see in my world of infinite grey.

Is it grey or gray? I guess it doesn’t really matter because the color itself is drab and bleak; it reminds me of how I imagined the drapes of the veil that Sirius Black went through and died. It was the first time I cried over the death of a fictional character, and it wasn’t until much later I realized that I was wrapping those drapes around me and making myself grey.

I am sitting here in my lecture hall, typing this out. I’m sure my neighbour thinks I’m typing out the notes, and I smirk thinking how wrong she is of me, how wrong everyone is, until I realize that maybe she isn’t thinking of me at all, and I glance at her just to see that she is sleeping with her eyes closed. We are all so tired (sigh).

I am typing what is running through my mind with no filters, except that is a lie because I can hear my prof talking about phosphate esters and his voice rings through my head and I can hear the guy sitting three seats ahead of me munching on a granola bar and I can hear the typing on my keyboard and my own voice as I’m reading this out in my mind. The noises in my head are like hearts beating in different paces but all at once, so loud that I can feel my own beat getting smaller.

I am supposed to be listening to the prof. The worst thing in life is knowing. Knowing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing, but not being able to control it. My mind is on a roller coaster and I am ranting about insignificant things in my blog early in the morning. I started to write this post yesterday, but it took me over 24 hours because Izzie Stevens has brain tumour in Grey’s Anatomy and saving her life is more important than anything else.