oh sometimes, I look for an invisible poet
living in my head.
I recall the days when words flew out of my fingertips
typing, writing, scribbling anywhere and everywhere
I would be on the bus, on my way to see an art exhibit
down south of the town
where art was just a name for broken buildings and demolished dreams
I thought they were beautiful because someone used to live there
someone decorated that place with curtains and pictures of their dogs on the mantle
but that someone is no longer there.
I sit there in front of the broken house, on the un-mowed lawn,
the weed and the dirt tickling my legs
I imagine what it was like to live in the ghost town
to have a life, to have a wife, to have a family.
I know it was a man who lived in this home
because his flannel shirt still hangs on the washing line
was he killed? did he have a stroke? did he lose his job? where is his dog?
I write.
I write the story of a man I’ve never met in a place down the south that does not exist
because my mind works in strange ways
I see things others don’t. Some call me crazy.
Am I?
Shame on you if you believed magic was real!
Or if you really thought dragons once lived.
It drives me crazy how I see a man in a broken home, his flannel shirt flying
against the wind
and
I get sent into therapy.
How to School Someone on Depression
Today is Bell Let’s Talk Day, a widely successful Canadian campaign to spread awareness about mental health and stigma surrounding it.
I started this blog to talk about my mental health issues, but that hasn’t really been happening (Hi, procrastination!) So I’m going to share screenshots of a conversation I recently had with a close friend, who good-naturedly thought I could get over my depression by just “relaxing”.
I used this extremely informative Ted-Ed video for help, which explains differences between “feeling depressed and sad” and “clinical depression”.
Here’s how our conversation went (some words & sentences are in Nepali) :
Not everyone can write stories or make movies about mental health issues, but what each of us can do is talk to one other person beside us, learn information, share information, change minds, feel accepted, accept others and extend the conversation beyond #BellLetsTalk day into the rest of our lives.
When Love Dies
Have you ever felt so hungry in your life that your stomach sucks itself in and presses to the back of your spine, your ribs are attached to the skin on your chest and you can run your fingers through every single bone as if they are thin long piano keys playing a sad raging tune firing up inside your caged heart; only you are the sole soul who can listen to that music, and sometimes you wonder why is it that you have no food, no strength, no love, no voice; your muscles are failing you, the familiar ache in your calves and shoulder blades remind you of some body chemistry you learnt in your biology class, something that had to do with your body storing lactic acid in your muscles and you wonder what good that biology course ever did to you – all it taught you were theories and mechanisms of how your cells breathe, but it didn’t teach you why your cells still breathe when you want them to just give up and die; it didn’t teach you why your cells don’t give up, why you don’t give up, why your body doesn’t give up, why your soul doesn’t give up; it didn’t teach you what makes your brain cells think about themselves, it didn’t teach you why your heart hurts and eyes tear up and you feel and feel and feel until you can’t feel anymore, it didn’t teach you why poets write about broken hearts and butterfly flutters, when logically you know that your brain is stimulating the love you feel; so what I’ve learned from all the biology courses I’ve taken is not to die when you stab me in the heart because my heart has no love- it is all in my head; I am the chemist of my brain chemicals, I can un-love you just as I loved you once; but the vacuum in my stomach is sucking my soul in because my brain doesn’t fill it up with butterflies anymore, I have no love in me but I also have no joy, my heart rages and my ribs play the piano, I am slowly dying, and the one thing I’ve learned from life, that biology didn’t teach me is that you should never let love run out, because when love dies, you die too.
[I’m recently obsessing over one-sentence stories, and this is my first one. It is more of a random rant than a story- definitely the longest sentence I’ve ever written at 1.30 am in the morning ! haha]
Do you remember?
do you remember the first time you stepped on the green grass?
bare feet, the little blades tickling your toes
you bent down to smell the earth,
sniffing your nose
and you wished
that moment would never pass.
do you remember the first time you ran through the paved street?
or maybe learned to cycle,
your father holding your bike steady
you shrieked and swayed a bit
but you knew you were ready
because you could always run back safely
to your family in a heartbeat.
do you remember the first time you learned about god ?
or visited temples ?
rang bells ?
even saw monkeys stealing sweets !
for you festivals meant fun and lots of tasty treats
and every time you went back to those temples,
you would still be completely awed.
do you remember how it has been a month of terror?
the lives you lost, the tears you shed, your dreams that drowned.
was it science
or fate
or just random trial and error?
everything you knew is now just aground.
do you remember how it has been a month of resilience?
the grasses you sniffed,
the pavements you ran,
the gods you visited- are no longer there.
yet you see hope, love, and courage at every single distance.
because when you lost your family a month ago,
you still had brothers and sisters at every corner that care.
ten years later, i hope you remember that afternoon
not as the day you lost everything,
but gained something new
i see strength in you, the courage you have is a boon
you have us all standing with you-
i know you will pull through.
Today marks the one month anniversary of the devastating 7.8 magnitude earthquake that hit Nepal, killing more than 8600 people, injuring thousands and destroying more than half a million homes completely. May the souls rest in peace.
Nepal’s Earthquake: The Aftermath
It is day 4 of the earthquake in Nepal and the more I hear about the aftermath, the more traumatized I become. I cannot even begin to imagine the terror people in Nepal must be feeling.
I still remember the time when I climbed the steps of the Dharara tower with my best friends. Having lived in Kathmandu forever, I told myself it was extremely strange to not have climbed the historic tower, so my friends and I went there a few weeks before I moved to Canada.
The steps were very narrow. I had expected it to be different, sort of a museum inside with paintings and facts about the Kings and Queens of Nepal. But the tower itself was bleak, with narrow winding steps, and bare walls. Only when we reached the top balcony, I saw what the fuss was all about. Kathmandu looked stunning from the top. Nine storeys isn’t too tall, but it was tall enough to make anyone fall in love with our city.
The moment I saw pictures of the collapsed tower and the news of deaths, my mind went crazy. Every time I think about the tower, all I can imagine is what those people inside the narrow space must have felt when it all came crumbling down. I was there two years ago. I could have been a body under the rubble if the earthquake had hit then.
We finally got in touch with our family members yesterday night. I knew they were alive, but only yesterday I listened to the horrifying descriptions of the quake from people I love. My family members are still shaken up. My cousin said, he can’t help jumping in terror every time he hears a vehicle rumble or feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.
Though alive and well, they still haven’t moved back in the house. Our house, though still standing has witnessed a tornado inside, with broken mirrors, upturned shelves and broken windows. Water and electricity are scarce. My mom’s sister said she had to walk 20 minutes to get a jar of water because they do not have a drop available in their area.
There have been more than a hundred aftershocks following the earthquake. The biggest one of 6.7 magnitude fuelled the damage. Two of my neighbours died of heart attacks in the latter tremor, despite of being in a relatively safe ground. The death tolls are nearly 5000. The PM says it is very likely to reach 10,000 when the rescue teams venture out into the inaccessible areas and villages. It seems the worst is over, but I’m afraid the quake has more in stock with high chances of diseases, and possibly an epidemic.
People from all over the world have been raising money for Nepal. My friends and I had raised over $1100 on our fundraising page, when someone reported it as fraud. Our page was shut down. After contacting GoFundMe and UNICEF, and providing full verifications about our intent and destination of funding, our page was restored. You can visit it here to contribute.
http://www.gofundme.com/swk1co
I had a final exam today that I deferred. I could not study when my brothers and sisters, people I love and know, were dying and are suffering. I still find it hard to believe that the place I lived in for 18 years of my life, the temples I visited, the roads I walked on, are all going to be just a part of my memory.
No more can I go back to Nepal and witness another flashmob in Basantapur Durbar Square, or climb the steps to the top in Dharara. But I do hope to find my country stronger, the people equally loving, spiritual and generous, and the essence of togetherness still intact, for that is what Nepal is all about.
Our temples may have broken, but our faith remains strong. God bless Nepal.
Nepal’s Earthquake: Shaking the Lives of Millions
Today is one of the darkest days of my life, and my anxiety levels are really high. I have my health final, but I cannot study or concentrate because a huge earthquake of 7.9 magnitude scale struck Nepal where three of my grandparents and the rest of my family live.
I woke up at 4am and the internet exploded. As did my heart of course, but lets not focus on me. So far the death tolls have crossed 800, with hundreds injured. 18 have died in the Everest avalanche that destroyed both base camps 1 and 2, and hundreds are still missing. Thousands are reported to be scattered all across the famous Annapurna trekking trails with no whereabouts.
Kathmandu’s historical Bhimsen Tower built in 1892 collapsed into a rubble trapping almost 200 and killing about 59. As did most of the major cultural and historical sites in the valley of temples.
There have been more than 24 aftershocks of high magnitudes in the last six hours, and as I’m typing this my mum is talking to my aunt on the phone in Nepal who’s describing another aftershock that’s happening right now.
My grandparents, who are in their eighties and ailing sat outside on the streets just like hundreds of others in Nepal for several hours, without food, water or their medications, too scared to go inside. My family is well and alive, and so are everyone I know. They have camped on a futsal ground in our neighbourhood and plan to spend the night there. The thought of my 83 year old grandmother camping outside on the ground, in the cold freezing rain is breaking my heart.
But it could have been worse. My family is alive. But hundreds have lost theirs. Electricity, most phones and communication are down. Locals are digging through the rubble with their bare hands. The humanitarian camp tents are soaking and blowing away because of the wind and the rain. A 48- hour high intense tremor risk alert has been issued.
There is nothing I can do from here right now. I am praying for my brothers and sisters in Nepal. I’ve experienced two minor earthquakes in Nepal myself a few years ago, and me and my sister had actually laughed at how exciting it felt to have a little adventure.
But today is not an adventure. Today is a disaster that has flattened villages and killed thousands.
My friends and I are fundraising to support the victims in the earthquake. It is not only lives to be saved, but also the lives to be rebuilt, that is going to take a long long time for a small country like Nepal.
Please donate to support Nepal in this disaster. The donations will go directly to UNICEF Nepal.
http://www.gofundme.com/swk1co
Every cent counts. A dollar is approximately NRs. 100. Two dollars might mean one less cup of coffee for you, but it will mean a night of food and water for a small family in Nepal.
For pictures and details about the earthquake: http://www.cnn.com/2015/04/25/asia/nepal-earthquake-7-5-magnitude/index.html
https://twitter.com/search?q=Nepal&src=tren
Update: More than 75 huge aftershock tremors recorded till now. The latest death toll is over 2100 and is expected to rise. May the souls rest in peace.
TheHyperteen 