I don’t know where to begin.

Maybe this is not even a poem.

But I want to tell you how anxiety feels.

My heart races at the speed of light.

And my brain slams the break pedal.

Can you feel what happens then?

The laws of physics, inertia, motion, Newton.

All come flashing back in my head.

I never liked physics anyway.

But I cant help it.

My thoughts are racing backwards.

I need to get out of here.

I think I’m gonna die.
I think I’m gonna fail.
I think he’s going to forget me.
I think my mother just had an accident.
She hasn’t called me in an hour.

I ask my brain to stop.

Or maybe it is my brain asking itself to stop.

I don’t know. Im confused.

But my heart.

Oh my heart loves to run.

140 beats per minute.

Running towards the finish line.
Running to save my life.
Running to study for that test.
Running to beg him to stay.
Running towards my mother.

What do you do when two parts of your body move in different directions?

I cannot breathe.

Sometimes I think it is all in my imagination.

At least that is what someone told me.

“Relax, nothing’s happening. Why are you so anxious?”

If everything’s my imagination,

Then why can’t I draw pictures of it?

Why can’t I write a book about it?

Why does my body respond to something that I’m creating?

I take deep breaths.

Sometimes into a brown paper bag.

Sometimes I have panic attacks.

Once in the movies with my friends.

The muscles in my chest tighten and I cannot breathe.

It is embarrassing.

This is why I’ve become a recluse.

I don’t know when anxiety is going to hit me.

I need to be alone.

I don’t know why anxiety hits me.

I just wish it didn’t feel like home.