Tag: ADHD

Depression: Why I am Finally Speaking Up About It

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I think it is physically very difficult to explain what depression is like. The thought of forming words to explain how you are feeling chokes up your throat and all you can do is breathe. Breathing. Intense breathing is what I used whenever I felt the slightest stir in my mood, shifting into the dark box of sadness even on the brightest of days.

“Are you happy? You seem to be, but I don’t think you are.” These lines were what my psychiatrist said while observing me with her kind eyes. I knew I was unhappy. I had been suffering from depression since high school; but that exact moment was the first time anyone acknowledged that they had seen my unhappiness.

Many people around me know about my depressive episodes. I always felt that mental health issues should never be hidden, so I made a point to explain what I was feeling.

“That’s okay. I feel sad sometimes too.”

“I think you are just stressing out too much. Learn to have some fun.”

“You should stop reading all those articles about depression. Maybe you’re getting some ideas from them.”

“You look very happy.”

The instant that I heard those responses, I regretted my decision. I’m not saying my friends were bad people; they simply didn’t know how to act around me. I don’t blame them. Depression is very hard to come in terms with, especially in your loved ones. People tend to back away and not talk about it in hopes that someone more “experienced” will step up to offer better advice and take charge.

My ADHD fueled my depression and vice versa. The stress of not focusing led my mind to crazy corners that broke me down every single day. And the fact that I didn’t have anyone to talk to distracted me even more. Books and movies and tumbler posts became my escape because I could not bear to be alone with my thoughts.

I am 19, an adult on my last teen years. I always felt that I was too young to be depressed. I hadn’t faced any real pain in life. It took me a lot of courage to talk to my doctor about it, and only when she told me you can’t compare pain, I realized that I deserved to get help.

I still cannot write about the intricate details about depression, what and why I feel at such moments, but I believe this is a start. I don’t want any sympathy or empathy. I have a good life, great friends and a loving family. Despite of being “blessed”, I am clinically depressed. Depression doesn’t look at your status or intelligence, it just is. I hope people can see that we do not need a special treatment, but just someone to listen to us without judgment and be there.

Phase VI- A New Start

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After months and months of planning out several blog ideas, and then procrastinating everything because school is more important (eye roll), then failing some courses (so much for importance, heh !) and finally realizing that something is wrong with me, I made the most adult decision of my life since I turned 19.

I went to a psychiatrist.

I didn’t go there directly of course. I had to make leaps and jump mountains and puddles of emotions and existential crisis.

Phase I – The Snapping Point

Okay, I thought I was smart. I mean, I am smart. But I failed my biochem course. It was my first year of university and I failed a course. In a panic state, I emailed my peer mentor and flooded her inbox with my broken hopes of getting into medical school. Her reply- Chill ! It’s first year.

Phase II – Reflection

I could not chill. I started reflecting on my past performances, heavy procrastination, late assignment deductions, hundreds of incomplete stories and poems, day dreaming in class (and everywhere else), excessive talking (so. much. to. say.), lack of focus and drowning grades. I also had been suffering from anxiety, mood swings and all the side effects that turn you into a midnight creature whose only source of happiness is weird tumbler posts.

Phase III- Research 

I started talking to some of my friends about my symptoms and almost all of them thought I might have ADHD. I started researching on it, took quizzes, read experiences and it was overwhelming to see that what I thought was my “personality” was so much wrapped up inside ADHD.

Phase IV- Uncertainty

I was contemplating whether to see a doctor. I tried following the healthy ADHD regime first- cut off caffeine, chocolates, went to the grocery store and actually shopped for healthy food !!! I even joined Salsa lessons to “exercise”. I felt good, lost 9 pounds, bought new notebooks and highlighter pens for the new semester, enrolled in my courses, went to classes, day dreamed, forgot to use the highlighter pens, crammed all my notes in one notebook and missed deadlines again. I was trying so hard but I couldn’t focus. I even added SelfControl timer on my Mac and blocked all the websites except my email, which did nothing except prompt me to check my empty email inbox every 3 minutes (Note: Make new email pals). I felt like I was deluding myself, pretending to be this smart ass with high ambitions when in reality I was not good enough to dream average dreams.

Phase V- Seeking out Help

I started searching for clinics that diagnose adult ADHD. After finding one that suited me, I went to my family doctor with the referral form. She straight up told me that I am simply lazy, and it is “who I am”, not my ADHD causing it. All that instinctual rage to bitch slap her came flooding over me (courtesy of years spent in an all-girls school), but I didn’t (courtesy of me, being polite) and I simply demanded that she sign the referral form so that I can figure this out on my own. To my surprise, she did ! Must have seen my side eye game.

I scored an appointment with a psychometrist and then a psychiatrist. After several sessions with me and my family, providing history and documentations, talking about a million things I would never have expressed to any one in this world, I realized how important it is to seek professional help when you need it. Trust me, you will know how things about yourself that seemed invisible and unimportant are changing your life. Yesterday, I was officially diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. I will start taking medications from next week, and after months and months of binge watching Game of Thrones and Grey’s Anatomy, I am finally writing this blog.

All I needed was someone to believe in me.

Adult ADHD is a neurobiological disorder that can also be categorized as a mental health condition. Symptoms include difficulty with regulating attention (being unable to focus for any length of time, hyper-focusing with the inability to break focus, and difficulty with prioritizing focus) to a level of impairment and possibly, but not necessarily, hyperactivity and impulsivity. ADHD Researchers have  studied impairments in the brain chemical neurotransmitters, dopamine, norepinephrine and epinephrine, as being a contributing cause of the disorder.

(For more information on ADHD: http://caddac.ca/cms/page.php?2 )