Category: Random & Ancient Imports from my Old Blog

Pain Is A Glitter

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My sadness is pouring out of every blood vessel I own in this strange body that people claim is mine. The blackheads on my nose, the pimples on my chin, the scars on my wrist are not mine but they have stayed there for too long for me to not accept them.

I search for whom I think is me. Once I saw her in the big old library just beside the Chinatown, the only odd structure in the land of dragons and noodles that actually had classic books. She was there browsing through the Dickens and Austen, listening to Robert Frost reciting the poem “Miles Before I go to Sleep” on the broken stereo and I watched her smell the leather bound covers and smile at a rusted rose pressed inside one of them. As I watched her, I started to fall asleep until I was miles away in this stranded rooftop looking at the stars and trying to fathom why the sky looked so beautiful above my head while the one that I saw inside my eyes scared me to death.

I realized it was not the stars that I was looking at, but the scars inside my soul that were so deep that they were cracking up and oozing the pain out. How blind was I to think that my pain was glitter and I loved to see it shine.

Chaos of A Mind

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She sits back this evening and looks at her life; watching herself from a distance; seeing her story unfold slowly; even fast at times. This was not the life she had planned. She thinks of people like him, and the ones she has encountered in her past, and realizes with remorse that where there is good; there is evil as well.

She sees herself, so immature and young; trusting and loving everyone so quickly; she thinks of herself again, so wise with her words; experienced and calm; both sides of her equally dominant.

She feels sad; not angry, not regretful. Too many hurts, too many lies, but lessons too. She is growing wiser each day and each moment, her faith in God becoming stronger, faith in herself weaker.

A chaos within herself, so many feelings, yet none of them relatable.

Do you know the feeling? When your heart wells up suddenly and your feelings are stuck at your throat, but you cannot bring them out no matter what because you are afraid of being judged. Then tears fall and you can do nothing but cry, cry and cry your heart out because every part of it aches with pain.
She asks, her question disappearing into thin air.

Her mind tells her to be sensible, but her head starts throbbing as well, tears engulfing her visions until she cannot see anything anymore; not even herself.

She needs to save herself.

Abhorrence

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They tell me that I can’t do it. If I could have, then I would have done it already by now. But I watch them. I laugh inside. Laugh at their self agonising life.
They should be supporting me. But I am realizing that those who weave a different path are cut off from the strings.

Vicious Love

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And slowly she stands in front of the mirror, looking ahead. The girl staring at her smirks, only so slightly.

How did she end up so evil?

Maybe it had to do with the hurts and the lies. Or maybe just a menace of her mind.

Whatever it was, the change had done her good. She looked, and felt powerful.

The walls around her were growing, not in height but in steps. She could see. But when they looked at her, they were reminded of their pain.

There was a ghost in her eyes.

Oh I have to stop this, she thinks in horror. I am turning into a monster.

But the lure of the deceptive, so hard to resist.

Singing to herself, smiling with full lips, the laughter creeping up to her eyes. One day I will rule the world.

Him and her

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10 p.m.
His phone rings; the familiar picture on his screen blinking. He picks up. Hello.
Hey, where are you?, she asks.
I’m not home yet. Call you when I get back. He hangs up, and smiles at Her.
10.01 p.m.
Okay, reach safe. I love you, she says. But he has already hung up. A faint dial tone buzzes from her receiver. Sighing, she snuggles back to her bed and picks up a novel.
10.35 p.m.
she checks her cell phone. her puppy stares at her from the screenlock. she begins dialing.
One ring. Two. Three. Time feels infinite.
He must be on his way, she says to herself.
10.50 p.m.
He unlocks his door, pops on his bed, lights up a cigarette. her picture is still blinking on his screen. He remembers his promise.
I have given up smoking. For you.
For us, she had said, smiling.
10.55 p.m.
He must have been back by now, she thinks. she tries to concentrate on her novel, but all she sees is his face on the pages.
10.56 p.m.
He reaches for his phone.
10.57 p.m.
she dials.
10.56 p.m.
Flight mode on.
10.57 p.m.
The number you have dialed is switched off.
10.57 p.m.
Wi-fi on. A message pops.
Viber.
He smiles and types back. He picks up; his voice is playful.
11.00 p.m.
she shuts her novel. Lies down. Stares at the ceiling, drawing pictures on the rough wall.
12.15 a.m.
she checks her phone. Facebook. He is online.
12.30 a.m.
she waits for him to message her first.
1.00 a.m.
she is hurt. Expectations hurt.
2.00 a.m.
Okay, love you more, he hangs up.
5.00 a.m.
she is sobbing; pillow wet, legs curled up. Like a child. her eyes are shut.
A nightmare.
7.00 a.m.
her eyes open. she looks at her screen. her puppy is looking back.
10.30 a.m.
her phone rings. Heart leaps. A breathless hello.
10.30 a.m.
Good morning love, he says. her voice is excited. Like a child.
10.32 a.m.
she rambles on.
10.33 a.m.
How he loathes this childish behavior of hers.
10.34 a.m.
So, I’ll see you today?, she asks.
10.34 a.m.
Yeah sure. Make it a date.
10.35 a.m.
she hangs up. Breathes in. Smiles.
10.36 a.m.
His phone rings. It’s Her.
10.37 a.m.
Sure babe, why don’t I make myself free today? We could go out someplace special.
10.38 a.m.
He smiles. Closes his eyes. Her flesh. Those full lips. White sheets. Hips raised. Eyes closed.
He begins to feel a stirring.
10.39 a.m.
she begins to get ready, eyes dreamy; full of love.
10.39 a.m.
Flight mode on.
Whistling he heads out for Her.
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She has stumbled, fallen, risen up and walked with her head held high. Yet, she stands here today, alone and heavy hearted.
Life has had many turns for her, her face has been smacked on many times by Time itself, but she is standing today with a smile on it.
Because she knows that time hurts. But time heals as well.
She is rejected by many, but the love of few keeps her alive.

She sees the sun. She feels the wind. The birds chirp.

And her heart bleeds.

She hums. “Don’t you worry, pretty little mind. People throw rocks at things that shine..”

How true.

Sigh.
She smiles.

She is beautiful.