Category: blog

When Love Dies

2 Comments

Have you ever felt so hungry in your life that your stomach sucks itself in and presses to the back of your spine, your ribs are attached to the skin on your chest and you can run your fingers through every single bone as if they are thin long piano keys playing a sad raging tune firing up inside your caged heart; only you are the sole soul who can listen to that music, and sometimes you wonder why is it that you have no food, no strength, no love, no voice; your muscles are failing you, the familiar ache in your calves and shoulder blades remind you of some body chemistry you learnt in your biology class, something that had to do with your body storing lactic acid in your muscles and you wonder what good that biology course ever did to you – all it taught you were theories and mechanisms of how your cells breathe, but it didn’t teach you why your cells still breathe when you want them to just give up and die; it didn’t teach you why your cells don’t give up, why you don’t give up, why your body doesn’t give up, why your soul doesn’t give up; it didn’t teach you what makes your brain cells think about themselves, it didn’t teach you why your heart hurts and eyes tear up and you feel and feel and feel until you can’t feel anymore, it didn’t teach you why poets write about broken hearts and butterfly flutters, when logically you know that your brain is stimulating the love you feel; so what I’ve learned from all the biology courses I’ve taken is not to die when you stab me in the heart because my heart has no love- it is all in my head; I am the chemist of my brain chemicals, I can un-love you just as I loved you once; but the vacuum in my stomach is sucking my soul in because my brain doesn’t fill it up with butterflies anymore, I have no love in me but I also have no joy, my heart rages and my ribs play the piano, I am slowly dying, and the one thing I’ve learned from life, that biology didn’t teach me is that you should never let love run out, because when love dies, you die too.

[I’m recently obsessing over one-sentence stories, and this is my first one. It is more of a random rant than a story- definitely the longest sentence I’ve ever written at 1.30 am in the morning ! haha] 

Nepal’s Earthquake: The Aftermath

2 Comments

It is day 4 of the earthquake in Nepal and the more I hear about the aftermath, the more traumatized I become. I cannot even begin to imagine the terror people in Nepal must be feeling.

I still remember the time when I climbed the steps of the Dharara tower with my best friends. Having lived in Kathmandu forever, I told myself it was extremely strange to not have climbed the historic tower, so my friends and I went there a few weeks before I moved to Canada.

The steps were very narrow. I had expected it to be different, sort of a museum inside with paintings and facts about the Kings and Queens of Nepal. But the tower itself was bleak, with narrow winding steps, and bare walls. Only when we reached the top balcony, I saw what the fuss was all about. Kathmandu looked stunning from the top. Nine storeys isn’t too tall, but it was tall enough to make anyone fall in love with our city.

The moment I saw pictures of the collapsed tower and the news of deaths, my mind went crazy. Every time I think about the tower, all I can imagine is what those people inside the narrow space must have felt when it all came crumbling down. I was there two years ago. I could have been a body under the rubble if the earthquake had hit then.

We finally got in touch with our family members yesterday night. I knew they were alive, but only yesterday I listened to the horrifying descriptions of the quake from people I love. My family members are still shaken up. My cousin said, he can’t help jumping in terror every time he hears a vehicle rumble or feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.

Though alive and well, they still haven’t moved back in the house. Our house, though still standing has witnessed a tornado inside, with broken mirrors, upturned shelves and broken windows. Water and electricity are scarce. My mom’s sister said she had to walk 20 minutes to get a jar of water because they do not have a drop available in their area.

There have been more than a hundred aftershocks following the earthquake. The biggest one of 6.7 magnitude fuelled the damage. Two of my neighbours died of heart attacks in the latter tremor, despite of being in a relatively safe ground. The death tolls are nearly 5000. The PM says it is very likely to reach 10,000 when the rescue teams venture out into the inaccessible areas and villages. It seems the worst is over, but I’m afraid the quake has more in stock with high chances of diseases, and possibly an epidemic.

People from all over the world have been raising money for Nepal. My friends and I had raised over $1100 on our fundraising page, when someone reported it as fraud. Our page was shut down. After contacting GoFundMe and UNICEF, and providing full verifications about our intent and destination of funding, our page was restored. You can visit it here to contribute.

http://www.gofundme.com/swk1co

I had a final exam today that I deferred. I could not study when my brothers and sisters, people I love and know, were dying and are suffering. I still find it hard to believe that the place I lived in for 18 years of my life, the temples I visited, the roads I walked on, are all going to be just a part of my memory.

No more can I go back to Nepal and witness another flashmob in Basantapur Durbar Square, or climb the steps to the top in Dharara. But I do hope to find my country stronger, the people equally loving, spiritual and generous, and the essence of togetherness still intact, for that is what Nepal is all about.

Our temples may have broken, but our faith remains strong. God bless Nepal.

Nepal’s Earthquake: Shaking the Lives of Millions

Leave a comment

Today is one of the darkest days of my life, and my anxiety levels are really high. I have my health final, but I cannot study or concentrate because a huge earthquake of 7.9 magnitude scale struck Nepal where three of my grandparents and the rest of my family live.

I woke up at 4am and the internet exploded. As did my heart of course, but lets not focus on me. So far the death tolls have crossed 800, with hundreds injured. 18 have died in the Everest avalanche that destroyed both base camps 1 and 2, and hundreds are still missing. Thousands are reported to be scattered all across the famous Annapurna trekking trails with no whereabouts.

Kathmandu’s historical Bhimsen Tower built in 1892 collapsed into a rubble trapping almost 200 and killing about 59. As did most of the major cultural and historical sites in the valley of temples.

There have been more than 24 aftershocks of high magnitudes in the last six hours, and as I’m typing this my mum is talking to my aunt on the phone in Nepal who’s describing another aftershock that’s happening right now.

My grandparents, who are in their eighties and ailing sat outside on the streets just like hundreds of others in Nepal for several hours, without food, water or their medications, too scared to go inside. My family is well and alive, and so are everyone I know. They have camped on a futsal ground in our neighbourhood and plan to spend the night there. The thought of my 83 year old grandmother camping outside on the ground, in the cold freezing rain is breaking my heart.

But it could have been worse. My family is alive. But hundreds have lost theirs. Electricity, most phones and communication are down. Locals are digging through the rubble with their bare hands. The humanitarian camp tents are soaking and blowing away because of the wind and the rain. A 48- hour high intense tremor risk alert has been issued.

There is nothing I can do from here right now. I am praying for my brothers and sisters in Nepal. I’ve experienced two minor earthquakes in Nepal myself a few years ago, and me and my sister had actually laughed at how exciting it felt to have a little adventure.

But today is not an adventure. Today is a disaster that has flattened villages and killed thousands.

My friends and I are fundraising to support the victims in the earthquake. It is not only lives to be saved, but also the lives to be rebuilt, that is going to take a long long time for a small country like Nepal.

Please donate to support Nepal in this disaster. The donations will go directly to UNICEF Nepal.

http://www.gofundme.com/swk1co

Every cent counts. A dollar is approximately NRs. 100. Two dollars might mean one less cup of coffee for you, but it will mean a night of food and water for a small family in Nepal.

For pictures and details about the earthquake: http://www.cnn.com/2015/04/25/asia/nepal-earthquake-7-5-magnitude/index.html

https://twitter.com/search?q=Nepal&src=tren

Update: More than 75 huge aftershock tremors recorded till now. The latest death toll is over 2100 and is expected to rise. May the souls rest in peace.

New Year 2072 B.S.

Leave a comment

Happy New Year 2072 B.S. to everyone inside and outside this world of WordPress  ! I’m excited because it is the Nepalese New Year YAYYY.
Which is a little weird because I am not really doing anything to celebrate it. It is just another weekday for people living away from home. But, the weather is gorgeous today, and I finally took out my summer clothes from the back of my closet where they were rotting away so YAYYYY

I never make resolutions on New Year, and don’t do much reflection either but since I feel pretty good today, here are some of the things I did/learnt/discovered etc etc. in the last year-

1. Gifted myself the “A Song of Ice and Fire” series on my birthday and read all five books over the summer. Also binge watched all Game of Thrones episodes. I cannot explain how much I LOVED those books and the series and Tyrion Lannister. There are a very few things that have truly impressed me, and GOT (ASOIAF) turned me into this obsessed person who reads all fan theories and keeps tabs on everything related to Game of Thrones. If Game of Thrones was a person, I would probably be in prison for being a stalker.

2. Joined the Public Issues Advisory Committee at the Canadian Cancer Society. I’ve been a public issues youth advocate for nearly two years now, and am the youngest member advisor at the committee. I got cool opportunities to meet some MPPs, and am looking forward to all future events !

3.  Volunteered at Holland Bloorview Kids Rehab Hospital for nearly a year (I’m on break now, because exams !). I love everything about that hospital. It taught me to be patient and kind and attentive to kids with disabilities.

I learnt unique ways of communicating with the non-verbal clients, became the air-hockey champion of the basement, watched Frozen a million times, sang Let It Go two million times, went Trick or Treating on Halloween, dressed up as Santa’s elf on Christmas, baked and danced and painted and read and made bracelets and pictures and tons of goody crafts for the kids.

Sometimes I feel like I go there every week, looking forward just to play board games and puzzles since I have NO TIME for them at home/school. It is extremely relaxing and therapeutic for me, until I’m outsmarted by a 5-year old in a wheelchair and then I think, Losing monopoly never felt so good.

4. After struggling for years, I finally got diagnosed with ADHD- combined type, major depressive disorder and anxiety. I immersed myself in research about my disorder and mental health issues, and it has been the most liberating thing in my life. I now understand why I behave the way I do. I love that I’m one of the 15 million with this cognitive disorder and I am so thankful that I moved to a country with resources and am finally getting the right support and help.

5.  I discovered that I love communicating, expressing, public speaking, advocacy and community service more than anything else in this world. My creativity and strengths lie in these areas and I’ve finally stopped being ashamed that I can never understand math or physics or chemistry like some kids I grew up with. I learnt that I’d been wasting my time studying and focusing on things I do not love or comprehend to the least, because culturally I felt they were “the smart choices”.

After I was diagnosed with ADHD, my psychiatrist told me that I should be utilizing my strengths and not beating myself up about things I can’t excel in.

I started reflecting on moments – when my philosophy teacher told me that my paper on suicide was phenomenal and I had a brilliant knack for words and persuasion, when my professional communications prof said that I would make an excellent business leader & she would buy any product I sold because my presentation ideas and public speaking approaches were excellent, when my global health instructor said that my scholarly paper on mental health policy was worth being published, when customers at work told me that my smiling face made their days better, when kids at the hospital hugged me and told me they would miss me when they get discharged, when readers said that they appreciated me writing this blog; all of these made me realize that I should focus on the things I am good at and make a career out of it.

I do not make any resolutions, but I do plan to eat well, spend time outside in the nature, blog, go to my meditation sessions and therapy, focus on the things I am passionate about without overloading myself, be an advocate and a mental health wellness educator and most importantly, remain proud of all the hard work I’ve done and the people I’ve touched.

I hope you all have a beautiful and a healthy year 🙂