Month: April 2015

Nepal’s Earthquake: The Aftermath

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It is day 4 of the earthquake in Nepal and the more I hear about the aftermath, the more traumatized I become. I cannot even begin to imagine the terror people in Nepal must be feeling.

I still remember the time when I climbed the steps of the Dharara tower with my best friends. Having lived in Kathmandu forever, I told myself it was extremely strange to not have climbed the historic tower, so my friends and I went there a few weeks before I moved to Canada.

The steps were very narrow. I had expected it to be different, sort of a museum inside with paintings and facts about the Kings and Queens of Nepal. But the tower itself was bleak, with narrow winding steps, and bare walls. Only when we reached the top balcony, I saw what the fuss was all about. Kathmandu looked stunning from the top. Nine storeys isn’t too tall, but it was tall enough to make anyone fall in love with our city.

The moment I saw pictures of the collapsed tower and the news of deaths, my mind went crazy. Every time I think about the tower, all I can imagine is what those people inside the narrow space must have felt when it all came crumbling down. I was there two years ago. I could have been a body under the rubble if the earthquake had hit then.

We finally got in touch with our family members yesterday night. I knew they were alive, but only yesterday I listened to the horrifying descriptions of the quake from people I love. My family members are still shaken up. My cousin said, he can’t help jumping in terror every time he hears a vehicle rumble or feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.

Though alive and well, they still haven’t moved back in the house. Our house, though still standing has witnessed a tornado inside, with broken mirrors, upturned shelves and broken windows. Water and electricity are scarce. My mom’s sister said she had to walk 20 minutes to get a jar of water because they do not have a drop available in their area.

There have been more than a hundred aftershocks following the earthquake. The biggest one of 6.7 magnitude fuelled the damage. Two of my neighbours died of heart attacks in the latter tremor, despite of being in a relatively safe ground. The death tolls are nearly 5000. The PM says it is very likely to reach 10,000 when the rescue teams venture out into the inaccessible areas and villages. It seems the worst is over, but I’m afraid the quake has more in stock with high chances of diseases, and possibly an epidemic.

People from all over the world have been raising money for Nepal. My friends and I had raised over $1100 on our fundraising page, when someone reported it as fraud. Our page was shut down. After contacting GoFundMe and UNICEF, and providing full verifications about our intent and destination of funding, our page was restored. You can visit it here to contribute.

http://www.gofundme.com/swk1co

I had a final exam today that I deferred. I could not study when my brothers and sisters, people I love and know, were dying and are suffering. I still find it hard to believe that the place I lived in for 18 years of my life, the temples I visited, the roads I walked on, are all going to be just a part of my memory.

No more can I go back to Nepal and witness another flashmob in Basantapur Durbar Square, or climb the steps to the top in Dharara. But I do hope to find my country stronger, the people equally loving, spiritual and generous, and the essence of togetherness still intact, for that is what Nepal is all about.

Our temples may have broken, but our faith remains strong. God bless Nepal.

Nepal’s Earthquake: Shaking the Lives of Millions

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Today is one of the darkest days of my life, and my anxiety levels are really high. I have my health final, but I cannot study or concentrate because a huge earthquake of 7.9 magnitude scale struck Nepal where three of my grandparents and the rest of my family live.

I woke up at 4am and the internet exploded. As did my heart of course, but lets not focus on me. So far the death tolls have crossed 800, with hundreds injured. 18 have died in the Everest avalanche that destroyed both base camps 1 and 2, and hundreds are still missing. Thousands are reported to be scattered all across the famous Annapurna trekking trails with no whereabouts.

Kathmandu’s historical Bhimsen Tower built in 1892 collapsed into a rubble trapping almost 200 and killing about 59. As did most of the major cultural and historical sites in the valley of temples.

There have been more than 24 aftershocks of high magnitudes in the last six hours, and as I’m typing this my mum is talking to my aunt on the phone in Nepal who’s describing another aftershock that’s happening right now.

My grandparents, who are in their eighties and ailing sat outside on the streets just like hundreds of others in Nepal for several hours, without food, water or their medications, too scared to go inside. My family is well and alive, and so are everyone I know. They have camped on a futsal ground in our neighbourhood and plan to spend the night there. The thought of my 83 year old grandmother camping outside on the ground, in the cold freezing rain is breaking my heart.

But it could have been worse. My family is alive. But hundreds have lost theirs. Electricity, most phones and communication are down. Locals are digging through the rubble with their bare hands. The humanitarian camp tents are soaking and blowing away because of the wind and the rain. A 48- hour high intense tremor risk alert has been issued.

There is nothing I can do from here right now. I am praying for my brothers and sisters in Nepal. I’ve experienced two minor earthquakes in Nepal myself a few years ago, and me and my sister had actually laughed at how exciting it felt to have a little adventure.

But today is not an adventure. Today is a disaster that has flattened villages and killed thousands.

My friends and I are fundraising to support the victims in the earthquake. It is not only lives to be saved, but also the lives to be rebuilt, that is going to take a long long time for a small country like Nepal.

Please donate to support Nepal in this disaster. The donations will go directly to UNICEF Nepal.

http://www.gofundme.com/swk1co

Every cent counts. A dollar is approximately NRs. 100. Two dollars might mean one less cup of coffee for you, but it will mean a night of food and water for a small family in Nepal.

For pictures and details about the earthquake: http://www.cnn.com/2015/04/25/asia/nepal-earthquake-7-5-magnitude/index.html

https://twitter.com/search?q=Nepal&src=tren

Update: More than 75 huge aftershock tremors recorded till now. The latest death toll is over 2100 and is expected to rise. May the souls rest in peace.

Tell Me Your Stories

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Tell me of the time you lay down on the only green patch of grass that hadn’t been mowed
And looked up at the clear blue sky
It was early summer of May.
Tell me that you felt beautiful
Even though you knew it was just another sad day.

Tell me of the time you played fetch with your neighbour’s puppy
Your hands running through his lush brown fur
Every time he came running back to your outstretched arm
Tell me you wished you had someone too
Who would never leave you or go away too far.

Tell me of the time when you watched your best friend die
The cops, the lights, the people surrounding her
The world stopped by but you couldn’t cry.

Tell me how you drank yourself to sleep
For her next ten birthdays
Until you realized it was a drunk who ran her over
Only then you could finally weep.

Tell me everything. I want to know you.
Tell me about your dreams.
Tell me about your fears.
Tell me what keeps you awake at nights.
Tell me why you love being alone.

You are not alone.

A million moments later, when it is 4 am in the morning and you are 80 years old
sitting by the fireplace
I hope to be by your side
to tell you how much I love you
for all the things you tell me.

New Year 2072 B.S.

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Happy New Year 2072 B.S. to everyone inside and outside this world of WordPress  ! I’m excited because it is the Nepalese New Year YAYYY.
Which is a little weird because I am not really doing anything to celebrate it. It is just another weekday for people living away from home. But, the weather is gorgeous today, and I finally took out my summer clothes from the back of my closet where they were rotting away so YAYYYY

I never make resolutions on New Year, and don’t do much reflection either but since I feel pretty good today, here are some of the things I did/learnt/discovered etc etc. in the last year-

1. Gifted myself the “A Song of Ice and Fire” series on my birthday and read all five books over the summer. Also binge watched all Game of Thrones episodes. I cannot explain how much I LOVED those books and the series and Tyrion Lannister. There are a very few things that have truly impressed me, and GOT (ASOIAF) turned me into this obsessed person who reads all fan theories and keeps tabs on everything related to Game of Thrones. If Game of Thrones was a person, I would probably be in prison for being a stalker.

2. Joined the Public Issues Advisory Committee at the Canadian Cancer Society. I’ve been a public issues youth advocate for nearly two years now, and am the youngest member advisor at the committee. I got cool opportunities to meet some MPPs, and am looking forward to all future events !

3.  Volunteered at Holland Bloorview Kids Rehab Hospital for nearly a year (I’m on break now, because exams !). I love everything about that hospital. It taught me to be patient and kind and attentive to kids with disabilities.

I learnt unique ways of communicating with the non-verbal clients, became the air-hockey champion of the basement, watched Frozen a million times, sang Let It Go two million times, went Trick or Treating on Halloween, dressed up as Santa’s elf on Christmas, baked and danced and painted and read and made bracelets and pictures and tons of goody crafts for the kids.

Sometimes I feel like I go there every week, looking forward just to play board games and puzzles since I have NO TIME for them at home/school. It is extremely relaxing and therapeutic for me, until I’m outsmarted by a 5-year old in a wheelchair and then I think, Losing monopoly never felt so good.

4. After struggling for years, I finally got diagnosed with ADHD- combined type, major depressive disorder and anxiety. I immersed myself in research about my disorder and mental health issues, and it has been the most liberating thing in my life. I now understand why I behave the way I do. I love that I’m one of the 15 million with this cognitive disorder and I am so thankful that I moved to a country with resources and am finally getting the right support and help.

5.  I discovered that I love communicating, expressing, public speaking, advocacy and community service more than anything else in this world. My creativity and strengths lie in these areas and I’ve finally stopped being ashamed that I can never understand math or physics or chemistry like some kids I grew up with. I learnt that I’d been wasting my time studying and focusing on things I do not love or comprehend to the least, because culturally I felt they were “the smart choices”.

After I was diagnosed with ADHD, my psychiatrist told me that I should be utilizing my strengths and not beating myself up about things I can’t excel in.

I started reflecting on moments – when my philosophy teacher told me that my paper on suicide was phenomenal and I had a brilliant knack for words and persuasion, when my professional communications prof said that I would make an excellent business leader & she would buy any product I sold because my presentation ideas and public speaking approaches were excellent, when my global health instructor said that my scholarly paper on mental health policy was worth being published, when customers at work told me that my smiling face made their days better, when kids at the hospital hugged me and told me they would miss me when they get discharged, when readers said that they appreciated me writing this blog; all of these made me realize that I should focus on the things I am good at and make a career out of it.

I do not make any resolutions, but I do plan to eat well, spend time outside in the nature, blog, go to my meditation sessions and therapy, focus on the things I am passionate about without overloading myself, be an advocate and a mental health wellness educator and most importantly, remain proud of all the hard work I’ve done and the people I’ve touched.

I hope you all have a beautiful and a healthy year 🙂

The Confused State of an Anxious Mind

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I don’t know where to begin.

Maybe this is not even a poem.

But I want to tell you how anxiety feels.

My heart races at the speed of light.

And my brain slams the break pedal.

Can you feel what happens then?

The laws of physics, inertia, motion, Newton.

All come flashing back in my head.

I never liked physics anyway.

But I cant help it.

My thoughts are racing backwards.

I need to get out of here.

I think I’m gonna die.
I think I’m gonna fail.
I think he’s going to forget me.
I think my mother just had an accident.
She hasn’t called me in an hour.

I ask my brain to stop.

Or maybe it is my brain asking itself to stop.

I don’t know. Im confused.

But my heart.

Oh my heart loves to run.

140 beats per minute.

Running towards the finish line.
Running to save my life.
Running to study for that test.
Running to beg him to stay.
Running towards my mother.

What do you do when two parts of your body move in different directions?

I cannot breathe.

Sometimes I think it is all in my imagination.

At least that is what someone told me.

“Relax, nothing’s happening. Why are you so anxious?”

If everything’s my imagination,

Then why can’t I draw pictures of it?

Why can’t I write a book about it?

Why does my body respond to something that I’m creating?

I take deep breaths.

Sometimes into a brown paper bag.

Sometimes I have panic attacks.

Once in the movies with my friends.

The muscles in my chest tighten and I cannot breathe.

It is embarrassing.

This is why I’ve become a recluse.

I don’t know when anxiety is going to hit me.

I need to be alone.

I don’t know why anxiety hits me.

I just wish it didn’t feel like home.

The Song I Wrote For You

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I am sitting here in the library on a perfect little metal chair that is freezing my behind, while the air conditioning above is sweltering and sucking the air out of my chest. Listening to Coldplay with a chem book in my hand, I am trying to compose a poem or write something meaningful about life, and experiences and love and joy and little butterflies and rainbows and unicorns and magic. I am writing a song for you right now, only it isn’t a song, rather a jumble of words that make no sense, everything pouring straight out of my head as I type it with no filter.
But I am singing.

It is a sad song. A song you sing when you are sad and are sitting on the bathtub with the shower running over your head, half empty beer cans rolling around near the trashcan, the yellow light in the ceiling reflecting in the bathroom mirror, bouncing off the smooth cans into your eyes and all you can see and think about is how drunk you want to get, not because you enjoy drinking but because you do not enjoy being sober and feeling all the feelings and all these raging emotions inside your head.

Your heart bleeds and you laugh a little because the hammer you used to shatter it into pieces is in somebody else’s hands now. You handed the hammer to that person because self blame hurts, self guilt hurts, it is easier to tell the world that it was that one person who broke you, rather than shouldering the responsibility for your own mistakes.

You cleanse yourself in the water, sit there under the shower, teeth chattering because you’ve been sitting too long and the water’s getting cold because your skin has gone numb to the warmth. You get up, gather yourself, wear fresh track pants and jog outside to meet your friends in the park. They ask you why your hair is dripping at 12 in the midnight and you tell them you just swam a mile in the Pacific ocean just to meet them and they all laugh at your dedication and pass you the blunt, every single one of them with wet hair and loose grins and bandaged wrists, and tattooed scars. You light up the joint, smoking in the warmth, your insides feel light and gooey and you sit there watching the fumes that you breathe out dance with five other dancing fumes, taking the pain away for one another day.

And smiling, you sing the song I am writing for you.